Salt Life Sticker

  

Ostrich: 4-year-old Salt Life sticker to visit beach for first time

The Salt Life sticker clings to Dakota Stribling’s Ford Explorer as it anxiously awaits its first trip to the beach.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County’s least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

After years of clinging to the back window of Dakota Stribling’s tricked-out 2008 Ford Explorer, a Salt Life sticker is poised to see an actual body of salt water for the first time in it’s 4 years of existence.

The Salt Life window sticker, affectionately referred to as “Salty” by the vehicle’s other after-market accessories, has spent its entire life within the salt-free boundaries of Walker County.

All of that changes this weekend as Stribling and his Bevill State Community College peers journey south to the exquisite shores of Panama City Beach for spring break. After years of advertising the carefree and adventurous spirit embodied by the Salt Life brand, Stribling will finally spend the next 4 days and 3 nights living it.

This is understandably an emotional time for Salty, who has spent the majority of his (or her) life living a complete lie. Stribling and the sticker’s relationship has been, to date, remarkably unsalted. After years staying no less than 200 miles from the nearest source of salt water, many stickers in the community were questioning Salty’s purpose.

“Judging by the way Dakota behaves, I just assumed it stood for ‘Bath Salt Life,'” explained a stick figure mom whose family is living on nearby Honda Odyssey rear window. “But I really am happy for him. Maybe he’ll finally figure out if Dakota’s YETI sticker actually came with a cooler.”

Experts estimate that thousands of other Salt Life stickers are currently trapped in the Greater Birmingham area. Half of those have likely never traveled south of Prattville. Located hundreds of miles inland, these displaced decals are often ridiculed by the Browning deer, whose stickers roam freely throughout Central Alabama in far superior numbers.

But despite their differences, these Pro-Salt Lifers and Deer Slayers are finding common ground in their resistance to the Monster Energy drink decal. Spreading at an alarming rate, the neon green logo has infected countless pickup trucks across the country, leaving a trail of Flowmaster exhaust systems and TruckNutz in its wake.

But the journey to sticker peace has to start somewhere, and Salty has already committed to leading a weekly support group for other displaced decals upon returning to Walker County next week. At least one 30A sticker and a school of Vineyard Vines whales have already expressed their interest.